Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
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this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
🤣🤣💀
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.