I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
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i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
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