When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
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me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household