We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
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If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
I’m going to need a moment here.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.