Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
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I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
time machine? you mean a clock?
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.