“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
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date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Yup!
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice