Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
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Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
mariah carrie
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…