Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
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Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos