[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
You Might Also Like
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
had to share :’)
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair