Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
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MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?