a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
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Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
please stand back I’m about to make this worse