I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
You Might Also Like
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Easy enough.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way