You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
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Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
I am yelling
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Guys, I found it.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Kentucky names the shit out of places
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?