The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
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Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.