It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
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3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
got so much cardio in today
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.