I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
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detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
me hooking up with my ex
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.