Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
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JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
😍😂🥰😂😍
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”