Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
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As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Ferrari squats
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Yup.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.