My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
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her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.