Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
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My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow: