Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
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Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Terribly Tuesday.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.