You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
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There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway