Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
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me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
*jingles half the way*
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Room with a view.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
😂 amazing answer