I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
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coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago