[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
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made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters