When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
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its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
inventing words: clothing
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
I wish I could veto my bills.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Horrifying if literal: armchairs