Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
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I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Overindulged this afternoon.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
#have a #great #PancakeDay