I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
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Donkey I Shreked the Kids
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.