One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
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Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
lot going on here, legally speaking.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.