Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
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My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3