One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
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“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.
My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables