You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
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If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages