If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
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I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.