Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
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Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.