Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
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If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong