For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
You Might Also Like
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I鈥檓 retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.馃槩”
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it鈥檚 probably cupcakes.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it鈥檚 safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don鈥檛 really like grapes
Me: say no more
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Marvel鈥檚 new superhero sounds pretty shit 馃槙馃槙馃槙
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
She鈥檚 willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i鈥檓 right here
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
I think Schr枚dinger would鈥檝e really liked the microwave.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
7: I don鈥檛 want you to have any more babies
Me: That鈥檚 okay because I鈥檓 not having any more babies
7: Good, but I鈥檓 still gonna worry till you鈥檙e 50
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!