I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
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Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…