It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
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The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
I am yelling
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!