I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
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It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death