All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
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Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.