Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
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If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Monday?
No. Next question.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.