Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
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as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.