Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
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According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
#merica
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”