Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
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Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
The first one, obviously
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
wtf is an acronym
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.