Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
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“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
💯😂
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
me 2 months after i graduated
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism