*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
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One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
excuse me
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.