Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
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Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket