YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
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after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose