[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
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A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Monday
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Breaking news:
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape