i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
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broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.